Welcome to Providence
It’s not what our clients can do for us – it’s what we can make them think we’re doing for them.
Ruling the world is tough. That’s why we’ve collected every god under one roof to free up your valuable time.
We hire only the best, assuring you quality service every day. Our deities are strongly incentivised to meet our strict regulatory standards and will work hard to make your decisions ours.
Free on our base plan, because we aren’t giving you, or them, a choice.
Whether it’s transporting foreign aid or moving an army to your political opponent’s doorstep, our affordable logistics services will get you there in the blink of an eye.
Our office is constantly on the move and so are we. Our angelic courier division is happy to serve, and not just because they’re incapable of experiencing the standard range of human emotions.
Life is hard, and we’re here to help. Thanks to modern technology, our assistive prayer services are now faster and more discriminatory than ever before. Check out our VIP plans!
Our patented Reality Slice software lets our gods assess your issue quickly and easily by prying into your personal privacy. Don’t worry – they can’t see everything. Just enough to get the wrong impression when it matters.
I asked Zeus to smite my enemies. Instead he slept with my wife, her sister, her sister’s wife, and Mrs Baggs at the Seniors Centre. 1/5, and I’m only giving them that much because Mrs Baggs looks sprightlier than she has in the past twenty years.
I just wanted to find my soulmate, but for some reason I keep being sent divine visions of badly-written fanfiction starring myself and the cast of Hot Medical Lawyer Billionaires. I think God may have a crush on me and I’d like it to stop now, please.
Reporting a glitch in the system. No one on my weekly hit list has been disposed of yet. It has to be that, because there’s no way Satan could be deliberately ignoring I, his most dedicated servant. Perhaps he’s busy prodding the unworthy with hot pokers.
You should spend less time following the wisdom of traitors and more time listening to mine.
Meet the team
*As described by Loki
A born leader and charming genius, Loki was tragically mis-hired onto Helpdesk instead of the executive team, a decision resulting in everything wrong with Providence today.
- Being right
- Working smarter, not harder
With contacts for everyone and everything, all it costs for Lucifer to deliver an outstanding project is your soul and firstborn. We can’t believe how affordable it is, either!
It isn’t rocket science to see NASA only wish they could have Mayari on staff – except it is. We take inclusion seriously, ensuring even the best have an equally low chance to succeed.
- Engineering solutions
- Rational discourse
- Moon stuff
Our choice for projects on loose deadlines, Tez will fail to deliver your query and do so with style and good humour. This puts him well ahead of our usual standards.
- Not working
- Getting away with it
- Ambiguous sadism
We grudgingly acknowledge Shitface is, technically-speaking, the most powerful oracle history’s had to offer. Don’t worry, he’ll make sure you know about it.
- Ruining parties
Way too nice to be working here; we can only assume a mistake was made somewhere in our brutal onboarding process.
- Military strategy
- Taking the high road
People change. Circumstances evolve. Those of us who keep repeating the same behaviour will be left behind by the inexorable march of progress.
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We’re possessing a random building on Earth!
About Dion Sky
Outside of poking fun at powerful institutions, Dion has three degrees, two cats and too many hobbies to count (unless you happen to be better at maths than a small toddler).
Ultimate goals include attaining immortality, supporting the advancement of science, and the pursuit of adventure – not necessarily in that order.